Today

I’ll always remember.

I’ll always remember the first time I saw you. You waited for me under the clocks at Flinders Street Station, a puff of smoke exiting your lips at my first glance of you. I picked you out from the crowd of people and you immediately saw me at the same time.

Your eyes were the greenest eyes I had ever seen. You walked fast and I tried to keep up. Our first meeting we talked about our favourite TV shows and the places we’d love to travel to. You paid for dinner and we found our way across the city to a bar by the river. I got our drinks and I could tell you didn’t want me to pay for them. And heck, I don’t even drink but I wanted to drink with you.

We met twice again that week. One night I took a tram at midnight down to St. Kilda to see you after a hip hop concert you attended with your cousins. You wanted me to meet them but I took too long and they had left by the time I got there. Another night we walked around White Night. I think I went home at 3 am. I had such a great time with you.

Then, you texted me out of nowhere, telling me you had something to tell me. Something I needed to know if I was to be in your life. You said you would understand if I didn’t want to talk to you anymore. I assured you that my opinion of you didn’t change. Later you told me you were surprised and happy that I still wanted to hang out with you. But somehow, I knew that what you told me meant we could only be friends.

One time we went down to St. Kilda to see your doctor. You kept saying over and over that it wasn’t a place to “take someone” but I told you it was OK. I had never been to a treatment center before. I was surprised to see very ordinary people waiting in the waiting room. Later, we sat by the boardwalk on the beach and just talked. All we ever did was talk. I felt like I could talk to you for hours. We talked about love, our past, music, travelling. Sometimes we were the only ones talking on the crowded tram and it wasn’t until we got to our stop that I realized everyone could hear our conversation.

The next few months were up and down. You relapsed a few times. Once you met up with me after using and I asked for the rest of what you had on you. You gave it to me willingly, however you felt so bad for exposing me to “these things”. I cursed these small items in my hand as I got rid of them.

Emotions ran high when we both came to a point when we realized we couldn’t have what we wanted because of the situation. We both had a really open discussion about how we felt and what was realistic. I accepted it, you apologized and then we were, defeatedly, on the same page. You said you still wanted (and hoped) that I could be in your life and I said yes. Because I cared about you. I cared about you so much.

And then I didn’t see you for some time.

You were far away
And I
Didn’t ask you why
What could I say?

You wanted to stay in your house. You didn’t want to come to the city. It was too tempting, you’d say. You invited me over to your place, an hour from where I lived. I packed a bag and made my way up there. It was the second time I shared a bed with you. We both stayed firmly on our side, an invisible line between us. I felt like I was lying to myself if I kept being so physically close to you as I slept. So I vowed that that was the last time.

I was far away
You just walked away
And I just watched you
What could I say?

Some time had passed and I met someone new. I told you about it through a text and you said you were happy for me and hoped it worked out. You tried to come down to the city a few times, but it didn’t happen. You were going to come see me after a family wedding, but then cancelled because you drank too much. You were going to crash at my place. I wasn’t sure if I was going to offer the other half of my bed or the couch to you. But you didn’t come, so I didn’t have to make that decision.

But even if we didn’t see each other, we always were talking. I checked up on you and you’d ask how I was.

And within those messages I got to see that you were falling into this hole. A place I didn’t understand.

How close am I
To losing you?

You made it into the city. You saw my new place and we went for coffee. I remember telling you that you looked good. You didn’t believe me, but you looked good. You looked down at the ground with those green eyes of yours when you asked how things were going with my new boyfriend. You smiled as you said it. Was it a sad smile? I don’t know. “He’s not my boyfriend” I said. He wasn’t. We were just seeing one another. Did I sound defensive? I don’t know.

If I remember correctly, I saw you two more times. We went out for drinks and dumplings with a friend of yours and a girlfriend of mine. It was fun, easy going night. I laughed so hard at you as I saw you walk up with a giant Target bag full of your things that you didn’t want to carry. “The cashier made me buy something just to get this bag” you said. I couldn’t stop laughing. You laughed at yourself too.

Then you took me to my first footy game. You patiently explained all the rules of the sport to me. Your team was playing your friend’s team. Your friend was heckling you as his team beat yours. You would just smile and shake your head and roll your green eyes as he hurled the most hilarious insults to you and your team. I had such a good time but I knew it wasn’t the best day for you. You said you weren’t feeling well and I knew you weren’t in the biggest spirits and that had nothing to do with your team losing.

Little did I know that would be the last time I saw you.

I was in Melbourne for another 4 months but we never got to see one another again despite all the times we tried. We always just missed one another, or I was working, or your teaching schedule overlapped with mine. My time in Australia was winding down and we both knew it. You wanted to see me. You consistently offered for me to come stay with you. But it just never worked out.

I texted you immediately after that guy and I broke up. You said it was for the best. I felt better.

The hardest times were my last few months there. I was travelling around the country for a few weeks but I always thought we had another chance to see one another. You had sought more help and I was proud of you though I didn’t really know what was going on. I found your messages and calls strange; they didn’t make sense. You would sneak messages to me. You weren’t always allowed to have your phone, you said. Then out of nowhere you called me and told me as much as you could but that you were saving the other stories for when we’d meet.

But we never did meet again. To my disappointment you asked that I not visit you because of something that bothered you. I didn’t understand. I was disappointed. But I couldn’t do anything. I wished you well, blamed it on bad timing and left Australia.

Tonight
You just close your eyes
And I just watch you
Slip away

You apologized to me a few weeks later. You said you weren’t yourself but that it was going away. You wished me the best regardless of whether or not we’d run into one another again. You said I helped you during your difficult times and that you would not forget that. I wouldn’t forget either.

I’ll always remember.

How close am I
To losing you?

Months went by and I don’t know why but we didn’t talk. Then you messaged me soon after I came home. You asked how I was. I said I was just thinking of you. I wanted to call you, I said. Why didn’t I call you?

You had been following my travels around the world and it looked amazing, you said. We weren’t talking but you were following me the whole time. Why didn’t I just call you?

You said you were doing new things that you enjoyed. You were volunteering, teaching, started meditating, working out and eating healthy. You had put on weight. I was so happy to hear that. Why didn’t I just call?

Why didn’t I just call?

Why did I not just call you?

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I’m right here
Well can I ask you
About today?

A few weeks passed and I didn’t hear from you. I sent a message asking how you were. It never delivered.

Maybe he turned off his phone.
Maybe he changed SIM cards.
Maybe he is seeking help again and was not allowed to have a phone.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

The message never delivered.

I waited 7 weeks. 7 weeks until I decided to try Facebook. You had been online the day before.

I woke up on August 25th 2018 at 8:20 am to a message.

“Hi, this is M’s brother.”

How close

“Sorry to tell you…”

am I

“…2 months ago.”

To losing you.

.

No.

No.

NO.

.

I lost you.

And I didn’t even know.

I studied every letter of that short message. The punctuation. The choice of wording. I must have read that message a few hundred times. It was from your account but it wasn’t you. It was your name, but it wasn’t you.

This whole time, I didn’t know.

I didn’t even know.

I couldn’t cry.
Then I cried.
Then I couldn’t cry.
Then I cried.
Then I cried.
And cried.

I immediately started reading our last messages. I panicked and backed up our chats. I’ve never backed up any chats before. Why would I have to? I read all our messages from the past year. When you read it all at once, it sounds like a story. Could I say we had a story? It sounds like a story.

I noticed how many times we tried to make plans. Both of us. Not just me but you as well.

I read the messages you wrote me about how sad you were about learning news of someone from your past. Someone you felt for. I read the advice I gave you about wanting to help the ones you loved but that everyone has to fight their own battles… we can’t fight those battles for them. That you being there for her during a vulnerable time showed the love and compassion you had for her. That she wouldn’t want you to be sad. That you should honour her memory in some way.

Little did I know that a year later, I would be reading my advice to you, to myself, about you.

Why?
Why?
Why?

I don’t even have a picture of you. I don’t even have a picture of us. All the times we spent together, I couldn’t take 5 seconds to take a picture of us.

I would have had that picture forever.

I loved you. I hope you knew. I cared about you. I hope you knew. You weren’t just another person to me. I hope you knew. I never tied your struggles to your name, to your identity. I hope you knew.

I’m sad.
I’m heartbroken.
Is this what heartbreak feels like?

I’m sorry.
I miss you.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I’m sorry.

You were a good soul.

I hope you come around me sometime, and that I’ll know it’s you.
Please come visit me sometime.
Souls can travel right? You always loved travelling.

I’ll always remember.
I’ll always remember.
I’ll always remember.

How close am I

To losing?

For you, M. I hope you are at peace.

Love always and forever,

Ange